


How The Doctor Stole Christmas

by Endelda



Category: Doctor Who (2005), How the Grinch Stole Christmas! - Dr. Seuss
Genre: A loving homage to two of my favorite things, F/M, Gen, Merry Christmas!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-03 06:30:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2841392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Endelda/pseuds/Endelda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>But the Doctor, who lived in the TARDIS, did not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How The Doctor Stole Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally published at whofic.com on 2012.12.17
> 
> I have no rights whatsoever to Doctor Who, or the concepts or characters I've borrowed from the BBC for this story. Likewise, I have no rights to any of the works of Dr. Suess, but I've been a life long fan.

Every human  
In London  
Liked Christmas a lot  
But the Doctor, who lived in the TARDIS, did _NOT_

The Doc hated Christmas  
And he had his reasons  
For why he found Christmas  
So very displeasin'  
You may think his head wasn't screwed on quite right  
Or maybe his Converse were laced up too tight  
But his friends said that ever since Gallifrey's fall  
Both of his hearts were two sizes too small.

BUT...

In spite of the state  
Of his hearts or his shoes  
He stood there on Christmas Eve, dreading the news  
Staring up at the stars with a sour, angry frown  
He wondered who, this year, would prey on the town  
Would fall on the humans in London beneath  
In ignorance hanging their mistletoe wreaths

“And hanging their stockings!” he moaned in fear  
“But tomorrow is Christmas, it's practically here!”  
He growled at the time rotor's unhappy humming  
“I _MUST_ find a way to keep Christmas from coming!”

For the humans, he knew  
In most aliens' eyes  
Were things to be played with, naught but a prize!  
And Cybermen, Sycorax, Daleks and Gelth  
Attacked every Christmas, with minimal stealth

The ignorant humans would sit down to feast  
As the skies above filled with these horrible beasts  
They'd feast on plum pudding  
And pull Christmas crackers  
Wrapped up in unwrapping their presents — the slackers!

And THEN  
They'd do something he liked least of all  
Any creature o'er London, no matter how small  
Would cackle with glee when they heard the bells ringing  
And swoop down on the Earth  
Songs of conquest all singing

And they'd pillage! And loot!  
And they'd loot loot loot loot!  
And they'd subjugate humans, the miserable brutes!

And the more the Doc thought of the doom Christmas brings  
The more the Doc thought “I must stop all these things!  
Why, for nine hundred years I've put up with it now!  
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!  
...but HOW?!”

Then he got an idea  
A brilliant idea  
The Doc  
Got a horrible, brilliant idea!

“I know just what to do!” the Doc laughed in his throat  
And dug through the wardrobe for a new hat and coat  
And he chuckled and hummed, “What a fantastic trick!  
With this hat and this coat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!

All I need is a reindeer...”  
The Doc looked around  
But of course, in London, there were none to be found  
But did that stop the Doc?  
No! The Doc simply said  
“If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!”  
He grasped his screwdriver and called K-9 from his bed  
Then soniced some antlers on top of his head

THEN  
He tied empty sacks  
And some bags up with twine  
On a ramshackle sleigh  
And he hitched up K-9

“Allon-sy!” cried the Doc  
As the sleigh started down  
“Affirmative!” said K-9  
As he pulled toward the town.

All the windows were dark, humans slept without care  
Unknowing of dangers that lurked in the air  
When he came to the very first flat on the square  
“This is stop number one” the Doc quietly hissed  
As he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist

Then he slid down the chimney with nary a stop  
\- if Santa could do it, then so could the Doc  
He wiggled and thrashed for a moment or two  
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue  
Where the cute little stockings all hung in a row  
“These stockings,” he groused, “ humans hang up for show!”

Then he crept and he snuck, with a smile most unpleasant  
Around the whole room, and he took every present!  
Liqour and board games, new mobile phones!  
Jewelry, satsumas, and chocolate trombones!  
He stuffed them in bags. Then the Doc, very nimbly,  
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimbly.

Then he slunk to the icebox and took Jackie's feast  
(stashing jams jars in his pockets, not last but least)  
He cleaned out that kitchen in the blink of an eye  
Even taking the last of the cold stale pork pies.

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee  
“Now,” snickered the Doc, “I will stuff up the tree”

The Doc grabbed the tree and had started to push  
When he felt a small hand as it patted his tush  
He turned around fast and he saw a small blonde  
Who grinned at his bum that she'd laid her hand on

The Doc had been caught by this young human lass  
Who'd crept out of her bed and had then grabbed his.... behind  
She grinned at the Doc with her tongue poking out  
And said “Tell me what's going' on, bloke, or I'll shout!”

Now the Doctor was very old and quite slick  
so he thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick  
“I'm inspecting the trees; this one's not up to muster!  
It's an awful disgrace,” he continued to bluster  
With a flick of his wrist psychic paper flipped out  
“I'm John Smith, tree inspector!” he proclaimed with a shout.

“Quiet,” she hissed, fingers still on his bum  
“Unless you were hoping to wake up my mum?”

The thought of her mum gave the Doc quite a fright  
The blood drained from his face, left his skin paper white  
Then, brushing her fingers away from his rear,  
He turned and leaned down, and he hissed in her ear

“Each Christmas in London, some monster comes down  
To wreak their destruction on folks of this town  
Each year they have tried this, and wrecked the whole season!  
So I've got to stop Christmas — you see? I've got reason!”

The girl tipped her head as she pondered the Doc  
The room was quiet silent, save for the clock  
Then she stepped forward, her nightgown a-sway  
And she spoke as she backed him into the doorway

“But humans need Christmas, to show our devotion  
To fellowship, love, and other such notions.  
If monsters should come, then why not let me help?”  
The Doc's back hit the door frame and he gave a small yelp  
He sniffed in disdain at the words that she said  
But the young girl, still grinning, pointed over his head

The Doc craned his neck to see where she pointed  
At the arch'ed doorway with mistletoe annointed  
He swallowed and looked down, meeting her eyes  
The look that he saw there was quite a surprise.

“Now l-look, I'm not human,” he croaked like a frog  
She said “I don't care, mate” and gave him a snog

Her kiss shot right through him and tingled his toes  
Then she stepped back and blushed and said  
“Er, hi...my name's Rose”  
Then he grinned at the lass as he said with a leer  
“First time I've liked Christmas in nine hundred years!”

He reached out his arm and took hold of her hand,  
“Rose, my name's the Doctor, and I quite like your plan.”  
He returned all the presents and re-lit the tree  
Then whispered “Rose Tyler, you're coming with me!”

And what happened then?  
Well in London they say  
That the Doctor's small hearts grew three sizes that day!  
And the minute his hearts didn't feel quite so tight  
He whisked Rose to the TARDIS and they faded from sight

And the last, fading sound as the time rotor hummed  
Was a low, silky whisper  
“Why, don't you want to come?”


End file.
